Magician Lexicon

The magic world has many emotions and behaviour patterns that have yet to be expressed linguistically. Hopefully the info below will fill in the void in our magical thesaurus and provide words that magicians can use in their everyday lives: (this list will be added to when I can be bothered)

Autoblagography – A Magician who releases a biography despite the fact no-one has really heard of him.

Example – ‘This Autoblagography is rubbish!’

Boobdoggler – A female magician who gets loads of work and attention, despite being a mediocre magician by wearing clothes that show off her bosom and tight lycra to show off her remaining assets.

Example – ‘Laura London’s turned up’

Braggacock – A semi professional magician who invents gigs he’s never done or after doing a poor gig convinces everyone, and himself, that it was brilliant. If he has a Facebook account he will also inform people of every gig (real or imaginary) he ever does.

Example – Yeah gig went well, top restaurant, hundred people there I’d say (In reality a dozen people in Nando’s)

Conmash – When you believe you’re going to see a popular lecture but it turns out to be a massive dealer dem rather than anything useful.

Example – ‘I ended spending 50 quid at a conmash, I feel such a tit!’

Cucumber Time – When magicians meet up in a pub for a drink but it degenerates into a ‘who has the bigger cock competition’ by trying to outdo each other with their magic.

Example – ‘Look at them over there trying to outdo each other’s card sleights, guess it’s cucumber time’

Dumblebore – A magician in their sixties or above who you avoid like the plague as they tell you over and over how to improve your magic and how it was ‘better in the old days with Supreme magic as the only real dealer’

Example – ‘So I said to Ali, Ali, I said, Ali, Ali, er, Ali where was I? Ah yes, Ali I said, Ali.....’

Egohawk – A magician who believes everything in the entire of creation is about him.

Example - ‘This description is clearly about me! I shall complain immediately’

Fun Cruncher – A magician who won’t put his cards away at social functions and bothers people and backs them into corners doing magic even though the spectator wants to be left alone.

Example – ‘Derek you’re such a fun cruncher, I’ll ram them cards up your arse in a bit! I’m trying to enjoy my steak in peace!

General Costard – A chairman of a magic club who is disliked by all members.

Example – ‘Why do we come here, Allan is such a General Costard!’

Gong Farmer – A kids magician who you wouldn’t trust round your own kids.

Example – ‘There’s something odd about him, I think he may be a gong farmer’

Handfasting – A magician who gives up coin and card magic to learn Mentalism.

Example – ‘Blunt truth is I was shit at the double lift so I brought a peek wallet’

Jollop Joweled – An old member of a magic clubs facial expressions whilst trying to follow what everyone is saying at a meeting.

Example – ‘I see old Keith has his Jollop Jowelled face on again’

Ninnyhammer – An amateur magician who turns up to conventions wearing a hat that he believes makes him look cool, such as a bowler , pork pie or top hat, but invariably makes him look foolish. Also repels women.

Example – Jeez I can’t believe Lance turned up to Blackpool wearing a black Fedora. What a Ninnyhammer!

Pettifogging – To detract attention from yourself if insulting a magician or a product you are reviewing by having an ugly sidekick sitting next to you take all the blame.

Example – ‘That’s just my opinion what did you think of it?’

                ‘I taut it was rubbish marster. Me good pettifogger yes?’

Solar Sailor – A magician who thinks he’ll be a success one day even though he isn’t talented.

Example – ‘George really believes he’ll be a success one day, he’s bonkers, a real Solar Sailor.’

Spissitude – A magician who has gotten so bitter about the magic world and his lack of success in it (due to his lack of a personality) he expresses bitterness in the company of other magicians.

Example – ‘This books crap and I’ve seen this effect before and I can’t believe that DVD with that prick has come out.’

                ‘Hey buddy! Chill it with the Spissitude ok!’

Twataronic – Describes a magic purchaser who believes the reviews of a certain product, even though the company that sells it were the ones who did the review. Normally teenage magicians.

Example – ‘Whoa the dealer gave his own product 92%, I’ll take ten!’

Ugsome – That particular kind of ugliness that all magicians have. Be it slightly crossed eyes, big jaws, thick glasses or stub noses. These looks have prevented the Magician any success and in fact made them into people who practise in their rooms alone as teenagers when everyone else was having a good time.

Example -  ‘Jeremy’s paedophile glasses make him look really Ugsome!’

Lost in Translation

After placing an order with a Chinese Wholesaler things started well and then went rapidly downhill. A bit like the reign of Puyi, 'The Last Chinese Emperor'. Below are the e mails that transpired after items from my order were out of stock and I wasn't refunded. At least they were very nice with the way they said hello to me in each e mail:


'We try to find you many times , No have in stock this item no Bicycle Phoenix Playing Cards


Please need change to other item or we give you refund for this item .

We appreciate your cooperation and look forward to doing business with you.
Please contact Customer Support if you need any assistance in the future

Thank you , best regards , kingmagic'

Best regards David, a store owner'


'Hi David,


If you need to get in contact with me an e mail will be fine.


If you could refund the Phoenix Playing Cards I would be grateful and send the rest of the order that would be great.


Regards,

Stuart Millward
Owner
House of Magic UK
Tel No: 01384 373 209
80 Brook Street
Stourbridge
West Midlands
DY8 3XB'


5 Days later I send this:

'Hi there,

I have replied to this e mail but have not heard back from yourselves.

I asked for you to refund the items (Bicycle Phoenix Cards) as you are out of stock with them. To date however I have not received the refund or had any e mail regarding my order from the 5th September.

Could you tell me the progress on my refund and order please? Thank you.

Regards,

Stuart Millward
Owner
House of Magic UK
Tel No: 01384 373 209
80 Brook Street
Stourbridge
West Midlands
DY8 3XB'

'Hello Dear ,

you don't get refund dor the cards ?

ok we check and send to you sir .

Thank you , kingmagic.'



11 Days later I receive my order minus missing items but no refund:

'Hi there,

I have received my order thank you. I also received an e mail with a new invoice that has deducted the Phoenix Playing Cards I ordered.

My new invoice total is £123.63

However you have still not refunded me the amount and have taken £161.72 from my Paypal account.

I am therefore owed £38.09 as you were out of stock on the Phoenix Playing Cards.

I am willing to wait until the end of the week for my refund. At the weeks conclusion however I am afraid I will have to put forward a refund of £38.09 through Paypal to your company.

Regards,

Stuart Millward
Owner
House of Magic UK
Tel No: 01384 373 209
80 Brook Street
Stourbridge
West Midlands
DY8 3XB'

I wait several more days then dispute my payment with Paypal, then I get a reply:



'Hi Dear,
why you open dispute on paypal ?
please contact us soon .'


I reply with:

'I have e mailed your company several times with no response, here are the e mails:'
(I then include all the above e mails)

Their reply is:

'Hello Dear
Please check your email
We already send you Gift Certificate. $57
If you are not Interested we will send you a refund.'


My reply:

'You did not send me a gift certificate. That is the first time your company has mentioned one to me.

I am not interested in your gift certificate. Simply send me a £38.09 through Paypal and I will of course cease and remove my claim.

Regards,

Stuart Millward
Owner

Their reply was:


'Hello Dear ,

we have in my account GBP -£155.21 GBP
so we can't refund for the cards , we send you last week gift certificate for $57 .

but if you don't Interested we will send you a refund
We do not consider GBP money.
If you can close and we'll send you back.


Thank you , kingmagic'



At this point I give up. We'll let Paypal sort it out. I personally think we should let Paypal sort out all disputes. They'd have Palestinians and Israeli's dancing hand in hand in the streets in no time.

Magic Clubs

Magic Clubs hey, what's the point? And before you say your magic club gives you a +2 on Attack Rolls against Orcs you're reading the wrong blog my RPG geekoid friend. Magic clubs are as much use as a chocolate condom to a magician.

The aim of magic clubs or societies as they loudly claim are to encourage people into magic and bring about a certain communal spirit in performing magic. The websites and info put out by them seem to endorse very loudly that they are welcoming, friendly and encouraging to performers.

So why is it when you make that first tentative step in joining one you're made to feel as welcome as Heather Mills at a Linda McCartney Charity dinner?

I have to stop now and do that mundane Bloggy thing and justify why I'm 'allowed' to speak on this issue and what experience I have. Sigh. How tedious. But for years I was a member of a local club, then I joined the worlds largest magic club, then I was chairman of my local club for two years. I'm now not even a member of either. Why? They were holding me back and what's worse I was activately holding other magicians back by simply being a member of a club.

So going back to my original point, imagine there is a keen hobbyist magician who would like to meet like minded individuals what does he do? Well he types into the Great and Powerful God 'Google' the words 'magic club' and see what comes up, or he hears on the grapevine of one situated near where he lives. He enquires about joining, they seem a nice bunch. He is then told however he must now audition in front of a select panel.

Why? He clearly has a passion to learn magic and if these clubs seek to help people with their hobby why does he now need to audition? Does he even wish to be a performer? Is he nervous performing? Doesn't matter insist the club, he has to audition. And who is he auditioning to anyway? Most magic club committee members aren't even professional. They come from all walks of life. So how can they even judge what makes 'good magic' or not. Who watches the Watchmen? Why should a prospective new member have to audition to say a plumber to see if he's any good? Also what about if the prospective new member is a talented and successful magician of thirty years who has moved into the area. Does he have to audition? 'Yep,' say the committee he does. Regardless of the fact that the auditioner has more experience he now has to be judged by people who in most cases, have probably never even done a paid gig in their life.

Surely it should simply be that if you have a passion and interest in magic that should be enough.

But that's just to get in. Once in what's next? Well the new member gets to meet the other members (and some of them are total members of a different kind). Unfortunately a lot of the members have been in the club for years and are very wary of new members. You're immediately sized up and judged (again). You're normally asked to show a magic trick to any group you attempt to talk too. Alas if your performance is no good you're treated with disdain and mild contempt. If your trick fools them you are again treated with contempt and mild disdain. But at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that they'll be spending two hours tonight on Google and YouTube trying to find the trick you've done in a desperate attempt to figure it out.

It takes many months to become ingrained with anyone in a magic club. If you have the perseverance you are then pounced on by the clubs treasurer and pay your 'subs'. But there is some benefit to this. You now get to see lectures at the club or take part in their competitions! Yay!

You now get to see someone called Tommy Trumpet Trousers do his lecture. It's on balloon modelling. Oh dear, are you a 'card guy' never mind, there's a card magician next week. You attend this one and it's Bertie Bertwart, aged 87, he's forgot to bring his cards but it's ok he lends some and then sends his audience to sleep with his variation of the double lift. Which he's struggling with tonight. It's the cards you see, yep that's what it is alright. Good old Bert.

Well never mind there's always the competitions. Thing is though, who judges them? Mostly it's the club as a whole. Hmmmm as a newcomer you don't stand much of a chance really do you? And anyway what happens if you win? Do you think the other members are happy. Expect much grumbling and bitching. At least you get to tell everyone of your achievement. You can do so at a gig when you introduce yourself. I'm sure they'll be well impressed to hear you're 'Surreys Magician of the Year' or some-such.  'Hello everyone I'm Matthew and I'm Slough's Magician of the Year' cue your spectators snorting into their G & T's.

So why do they hold you back you may ask? Well the trouble with clubs is they can dent your confidence. Your friends and family may have been encouraging and telling you you're good, but some of the individuals you will meet at the club are very territorial and back biting. They will actively seek to ruin your confidence as they're desperate to cling onto their perceived pecking order in their small little world. Even if that's not the case I've seen some talented magicians and accepted members become completely immersed in the clubs. Spending time on competitions, attending lectures left right and centre, etc...

Because it all boils down to this. As a performer surely you would get more benefit performing magic at a gig, either paid or free, one evening a week than attending a magic club. You will learn more about how to perform to an audience in that one evening than in all the time spent at competitions or boring lectures at a club.

And now if you'll excuse me I'm late for my club meeting tonight and must dash. The chairman of 'Dudleys Puppetry of the Penis Club' can be quite a stickler on timekeeping don'tcha'know.....

Defending Dynamo

Yo, yo, yo wassup check it out blud. I got a real cool trick to blow your mind bro....ahem....that's about as much of being a street magician as I can pull off. I stopped being cool and happening and down with the kids (easy!) back in 1993. I've never really understood street magicians anyway. It's cold on the streets. Or windy. And some of them smell of wee. And you get very odd and crazy people in the street, I know, I see them as I pass in my stately carriage. I much prefer working indoors. It's warmer and people generally aren't passing water in a phone booth or trying to sell me drugs. Well, usually.

But there is one street magician who has been riding the crest of a chavvy wave recently and that is Dynamo. However he seems to have hit a nerve with a lot of magicians, who accuse him of camera trickery (gasp!) and stooges (eek!) and careful editing (No freakin way!). Of course fooling people in this way is bad. Far better to trick someone using more honest means such as sleight of hand and misdirection. Yep good old honest methods like that. Hmmmm. Hopefully you can see the discrepancy. Is there a distinction from a general public's point of view of tricking them with camera editing or sleight of hand trickery?

Anyway that's not the point. Some magicians instead are currently saying it's just not right that a magician would stoop to using camera editing and stooges and THEY would never do such a thing.

Yeah right. 'Dear Mr Soandso here is a few hundred thousand pounds to do a magic show on TV but you will have to use some camera editing and stooges'. Magicians would not only bite their hand off but swallow them whole and then round up the offerers family and devour them too.

It is pure professional jealousy that drives this. Dynamo is on the telly, performing magic in a style they don't like true, but it is jealousy that makes them howl and cackle like Shakespearian Witches on Internet forums.

I defend Dynamo for one very simple fact, despite the fact my performing style is completely different to his . He has accomplished more for magic in the UK than the combined series of Penn and Teller and the sticky white peanut infested dog mess that was BBC's Magicians. Today alone I have had three new customers who have come in because of Dynamo and zero because of any other magician on the planet. The average stands that I have 20 new customers a week because of his show, each week, that's a whopping 80 new customers a month! The past four weeks have been so busy because of his show I have paid for my wedding next year in four weeks (It's a cheap wedding though, we're getting married first in a ditch then holding the reception in a fat man's pocket).

And it's not all about how many coins I have at Gringotts. I have seen more eager young teenagers desperate to learn magic in the past few weeks than I have in the past three years. His show could be the starting point of a resurge of people who want to learn magic and book magicians for events. Magicians owe Dynamo so much that they should ignore their snobbery about how his effects are done and focus on what a successful TV show has done for the world of magic.

And now if you'll excuse me I am going to attempt to walk across the River Seven. It's quite easy this year as it's quite low. And full of trash.

Magic Reviews Reviewed

In the magic world at the moment, amongst certain dealers there exists a most peculiar business practice. One I have never encountered in any other field of business. That of reviewing your own products.

To me this is as bonkers as it sounds. The whole idea of a reviewer is that they have to remain impartial to what they are reviewing. Can you imagine the outcry if we discovered Michael Winner ate with gastric gusto at a restaurant then gave the place favourable reviews, only then everyone discovered he owned it? Or how about if an online film website gave Steven Spielberg's films amazing reviews and then it turned out it was Steven Spielberg who owned the online site?

And yet it seems quite justified for magic dealers to review their own products. What is astonishing is not the audacity at doing so. But the fact that it's accepted, hook, line and sinker by the watching masses.

When confronted with this, a dealer will say that they're stating an opinion on their product. The implication here is if you complain they shouldn't have an opinion on their products, you are an evil communist who believes no-one should have an opinion about anything. But whilst it is fine to express ones opinion on the product you sell, to give it a percentage score and then encourage people in the review that they must buy it as it's a 'must have' or whatever buzz words are used, makes that dealer no better than a snake oil salesman rolling into a town during the Wild West with various miracle 'cures.'

I made the mistake of saying this on a private Facebook page last week. Cue the next day having an irate dealer on the phone who believed the post was about him and his company (we shall ignore with good grace the fact I was expressing an opinion on my own page and the subsequent conversation that ensured made it clear I shouldn't have an opinion on this subject, despite the fact the phrase  'it's just my opinion' is the main argument of dealers who do this business practice). The post actually wasn't about him, but the business practice as a whole. But he's a magician. So perhaps he believes everything is about him? Magicians and their egos, tsk.

Besides simply saying 'It's just my opinion' is a bit of a flaky argument. Would a murderer, caught in the act, simply say 'In my opinion, I thought her head would look better removed from her neck' be let off with a shrug from the police?

I was told I was jealous (I laughed) but I'm not sure what I was meant to be jealous about? This was never clarified. I believe he thought he took more profit home to his home/lair/lightning blasted tree abode every night than myself. He may do. But I am sole owner of House of Magic, so all profit from sales, tuition, gigs go to me. Whereas the afore mentioned frustrated performing necromancer has huge costs to cover in his business.

It did give me a chance to put my point of view across and discuss the concept of reviewing your own products, but alas my carefully worded questions were ignored and bounced off his mighty ego as easily as bullets off Captain Americas shield.

It almost makes me want to sign up for next years The Apprentice. If I can get through to the final and present my business idea to the furry beetle Alan Sugar surely it would win? 'My idea Lord (Or would he be an Emperor by next year?) Sugar is to review your own products'. There would be a hush and a pause before he would leap over the desk, kicking Brady out the way with a fluid grace quite shocking in a man his age. His gnarly arms would embrace me and he would whisper hoarsely 'That's bleeding genius that is son!'

Or perhaps I could descend into the Dragons Den and ask the lounging lizards for a cool £50,000 for a mere concept. They would scoff and bite into their small mammal snacks and eye me hungrily. But when I tell them the concept, they would instantly leap on each other, clawing and breathing fire on each other until one would be victorious. Standing in the slippery innards of their slain cold blooded peers the dragon would instantly give me my money for the concept: Review your own products.

Not really of course because it's all daft. You cannot review your own products. A member of a jury cannot sit in on a case if he has the slightest connection with that case. A magic dealer cannot review their own products. There is an incentive there, a desire to sell the product. It affects all scores and opinions. The dealer may throw in the odd red herring, give one or two bad reviews, but do they like the magician that created the effect? Do they have a grudge against him? How do you know? And if there is any doubt at all, how can you believe the reviewer? Even if the reviewer states they know/respect/are friends with the creator of the effect and then give it a bad review, how do you know this is true? This is the magic world after all.

Of course a dealer would say this is sour grapes. I'm envious because I didn't think of it. In a way that's true, I didn't think of it. Probably because I didn't think for a moment people could not see what was happening. But I forgot just how dumb the masses can be sometimes. Also there's nothing stopping me doing it now is there? Jumping on the bouncy wagon like many dealers have. Well there is something stopping me. It's called professional pride.

The same goes with the magic forums. I know people in the magic world and on these forums the same people crop up doing reviews for the same dealers. Why? Because they know the dealers personally that's why. It's the curse of the internet I'm afraid. It's so easy to hide your identity and become a 'keyboard warrior' on the net. Don't believe me? Well how about this, how do you know if dealers haven't created false profiles on these forums and are in fact reviewing their own products?

That's not to say magic products shouldn't be reviewed. They should. But I believe it should be the Hobbyist or Amateurs that do so. With their identity fully revealed, name, contact details and so forth. Of course no system is perfect, there would always be the danger that this reviewer could become popular and be wooed by dealers quite easily. But it's got to be better than for example this classic bit of reviewing I saw this week, here it is abridged: 'We're now the exclusive UK dealer of this company and we have one of their products to review'. You'll never guess what? The product got a rave review. No? Really? They're the only UK dealer that can sell this company's products and they gave the product a brilliant review? Well paint me blue and call me Papa Smurf, fancy that! What were they going to do? Rubbish it? That exclusivity would have flown out the window.

The only purpose of this blog is to simply make you think twice about purchasing an item online because you have seen it reviewed. You are far better to save your money and visit a magic shop in person or go to a Dealer Day. There examine the product. See it demoed. Then form your own opinion before buying it. Surely that makes more sense?