Autoblagography – A Magician who releases a biography despite the fact no-one has really heard of him.
Example – ‘This Autoblagography is rubbish!’
Boobdoggler – A female magician who gets loads of work and attention, despite being a mediocre magician by wearing clothes that show off her bosom and tight lycra to show off her remaining assets.
Example – ‘Laura London’s turned up’
Braggacock – A semi professional magician who invents gigs he’s never done or after doing a poor gig convinces everyone, and himself, that it was brilliant. If he has a Facebook account he will also inform people of every gig (real or imaginary) he ever does.
Example – Yeah gig went well, top restaurant, hundred people there I’d say (In reality a dozen people in Nando’s)
Conmash – When you believe you’re going to see a popular lecture but it turns out to be a massive dealer dem rather than anything useful.
Example – ‘I ended spending 50 quid at a conmash, I feel such a tit!’
Cucumber Time – When magicians meet up in a pub for a drink but it degenerates into a ‘who has the bigger cock competition’ by trying to outdo each other with their magic.
Example – ‘Look at them over there trying to outdo each other’s card sleights, guess it’s cucumber time’
Dumblebore – A magician in their sixties or above who you avoid like the plague as they tell you over and over how to improve your magic and how it was ‘better in the old days with Supreme magic as the only real dealer’
Example – ‘So I said to Ali, Ali, I said, Ali, Ali, er, Ali where was I? Ah yes, Ali I said, Ali.....’
Egohawk – A magician who believes everything in the entire of creation is about him.
Example - ‘This description is clearly about me! I shall complain immediately’
Fun Cruncher – A magician who won’t put his cards away at social functions and bothers people and backs them into corners doing magic even though the spectator wants to be left alone.
Example – ‘Derek you’re such a fun cruncher, I’ll ram them cards up your arse in a bit! I’m trying to enjoy my steak in peace!
General Costard – A chairman of a magic club who is disliked by all members.
Example – ‘Why do we come here, Allan is such a General Costard!’
Gong Farmer – A kids magician who you wouldn’t trust round your own kids.
Example – ‘There’s something odd about him, I think he may be a gong farmer’
Handfasting – A magician who gives up coin and card magic to learn Mentalism.
Example – ‘Blunt truth is I was shit at the double lift so I brought a peek wallet’
Jollop Joweled – An old member of a magic clubs facial expressions whilst trying to follow what everyone is saying at a meeting.
Example – ‘I see old Keith has his Jollop Jowelled face on again’
Ninnyhammer – An amateur magician who turns up to conventions wearing a hat that he believes makes him look cool, such as a bowler , pork pie or top hat, but invariably makes him look foolish. Also repels women.
Example – Jeez I can’t believe Lance turned up to Blackpool wearing a black Fedora. What a Ninnyhammer!
Pettifogging – To detract attention from yourself if insulting a magician or a product you are reviewing by having an ugly sidekick sitting next to you take all the blame.
Example – ‘That’s just my opinion what did you think of it?’
‘I taut it was rubbish marster. Me good pettifogger yes?’
Solar Sailor – A magician who thinks he’ll be a success one day even though he isn’t talented.
Example – ‘George really believes he’ll be a success one day, he’s bonkers, a real Solar Sailor.’
Spissitude – A magician who has gotten so bitter about the magic world and his lack of success in it (due to his lack of a personality) he expresses bitterness in the company of other magicians.
Example – ‘This books crap and I’ve seen this effect before and I can’t believe that DVD with that prick has come out.’
‘Hey buddy! Chill it with the Spissitude ok!’
Twataronic – Describes a magic purchaser who believes the reviews of a certain product, even though the company that sells it were the ones who did the review. Normally teenage magicians.
Example – ‘Whoa the dealer gave his own product 92%, I’ll take ten!’
Ugsome – That particular kind of ugliness that all magicians have. Be it slightly crossed eyes, big jaws, thick glasses or stub noses. These looks have prevented the Magician any success and in fact made them into people who practise in their rooms alone as teenagers when everyone else was having a good time.
Example - ‘Jeremy’s paedophile glasses make him look really Ugsome!’
